In Memoriam

Born 15th March 1947, had she not been taken from us in 2012, my Mum, Valerie Withnell, would have been 78 years of age today.  It seems like ages since I spoke her full name out loud and it feels so poignant to write it now. However, though she is gone, she is not forgotten. Whenever I meet with family, she is remembered, talked about, laughed about and yes, still cried about too. 

Anyway I decided to republish a post I wrote in October 2018 on the 6th anniversary of her death, in commemoration of her. The poem which proceeds the blog was written, by me, for her funeral in 2012 and is titled "You are not here - are you?

You are not here. Yet sometimes I hear your voice in the trees

And feel your presence in the wind.

You are not here. Yet sometimes I see my sister wear your smile

Or your face in a crowd.

You are not here and yet, when I wake, my first thoughts are of you

And you stand by my side through the day.

You are not here, but the words that you’ve said give me strength

to be kind and be fair.

You are not here, but you are always on my mind and in my heart,

When I feel I’m alone, I am with you.

You are not here, but as I close my eyes you whisper good night

And I see you in my dreams.

Are you here? Do I hear you voice in the trees, in my head, in my words?

Are you there in the crowd, as I stand all alone on my own?

Are you there in a smile, in a whisper, in my voice, in my heart?

Are you there Mum are you there?

                                                                                             

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It has been six years to the day since ovarian cancer claimed the life of my Mum so perhaps it is only natural that she has been at the forefront of my thoughts.  Mum once told me that her grief over the loss of her own Mum got easier over time but that she never stopped missing her.  This is now my experience too and, perhaps it is also yours? Like me, do you ever wonder about a lost love one and what life would be like if they were still around.  I bet you do - I think we all do!

Do you dream?  I do and some dreams reoccur.  For example, sometimes I dream about walking round my grandparent's home in Morecambe looking for Mum.  I travel from room to room but instead of finding her I see familiar but long forgotten objects from my childhood scattered around the various rooms. Though I can always hear Mum in the next room, I never find her - she is always just out of reach. In other dreams she appears for the briefest moment, like an extra in the scene that is playing out in my mind. She never speaks but always smiles and, the moment I realise that she is there, she is gone again. I like this kind of dream, it is like she is saying "I'm still here".

Perhaps, as psychologist say, dreams are just a series of random thoughts, images and sensations which happen in REM sleep. Or perhaps they are something more? 

I wonder what Mum would make of her family six years on?  Another failed marriage would be a disappointment to her and boy would she have made her feelings known about that. But, she would have said her piece and then been supportive of whatever decision was made. Mum was not perfect but whenever her girls were in need, she stood by them (once she had had her say that is).

She and Dad would be bickering at each other as they often did.  But they would be inseparable because that is how they were after Dad retired.  Their daily routines would be unchanging except during one of the many holidays they would be having, which in Mum's case would require shopping for clothes and spending Dad's hard earned pension for him! Even now, when I go to visit Dad, a part of me expects to see her sitting on the settee, TV remote control by her side, feet tucked under her body, reading some trashy magazine or doing a word search to keep her brain active and I always experience a flicker of sadness when she is not.

Mum would be proud of all her grandchildren. Each of whom are travelling their own paths in life. Some in settled relationships, some focusing on their careers or just getting started in further education, their whole lives to be lived and their own stories to write. She would have had great fun buying her outfit for the weddings of both her eldest daughter and grand daughter and would definitely have wanted her say in the proceedings. Enter Dawn and Aunty Glenys, who would have been on hand to help her choose the perfect outfits for each of these occasions. She would probably have chosen dresses designed by Betty Jackson which would require matching shoes, bag, hat and, of course, new underwear!  She didn't do these things by half my Mum and profits in M&S and Debenhams must have been hit badly at the end of 2012!

She would have been so excited about the birth of her first great grandchild earlier this year, whom she would have totally adored and spoiled rotten. I can see us now Nana and Great Nana, squabbling good-naturedly about who got to push the pram on walks, or the best way to wean a baby. She would definitely have laughed when I put Lily's nappy on backwards the first time I changed her that's for sure!

I guess there is little point in wondering what life would be like if Mum was still around and though my imaginings are not part of her story they have served to bring her into the present for a short time on this the anniversary of her death. Perhaps it is just sentimentalism, but I do see her face in the crowd sometimes, I do hear her voice in the wind and I do meet her in my dreams and I am grateful for that.

Loved and missed but not forgotten, I dedicate this blog to my Mum and to all the loved ones we can only hold in our hearts and meet in our dreams.